


A New Kind of Helpless

by fansomnomad



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, everyone hurts laurens in this fandom, he almost dies fyi, im no exception
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fansomnomad/pseuds/fansomnomad
Summary: Basically Laurens has hanahaki disease. I wrote like 45% of this at 1am but yannow I personally think that's the better part
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 6
Kudos: 83





	A New Kind of Helpless

Swallowing flower petals out of habit was never something John Laurens would have imagined doing a year ago. But at this point, the metallic tang of the blood that accompanied the flowers didn't even phase him. Sometimes it would get bad enough that he would need to drink something after, but he never actually needed to spit them out anymore. Every once in a while he would anyway, just to see if the petals have gotten any bigger or if any sort of stem had come out, but that was only when he was tired of everything. There was something oddly interesting about the image, but he hated the part of him that thought that, so he wouldn't think about it.

Only a few people knew about his disease. Two of the three learned by accident. The other one was told by one of the first two.

He didn't even have to tell anyone.

They just found out, and he hated that.

Something that affected his life so much could be found out by a mere accidental opening of the wrong door at the wrong time.

It had gotten worse lately. Rose petals filled his mouth and he needed more and more water more and more regularly. More was just a bad thing at this point. Blood would sometimes drip from his mouth after he coughed up more roses, but nobody ever noticed, he had learned to cover his mouth just in case.

Even worse, he knew he couldn't stop it. Falling out of love was out of the question, so he was completely and utterly.... what's the word?

"Helpless," he muttered softly. His mouth barely moved when he said it, and it was so quiet anyone around him wouldn't even acknowledge that it happened, even though it did, and when it did, realization hit him like a truck. "I'm helpless, he's the only one who can save me."

Swallowing thickly, he tried to let that set in like it was information from school. But it didn't, it just swam around in his thoughts like a free-floating fish. Sometimes things did that, but the things floating were never as important as that was, and nobody even knew it. Every single person in the classroom he was in was completely oblivious. There was only one person who had even the slightest clue, but they had never had the disease or anything like it. Only he understood, and he hated it. Two things he hated about this, one being that nobody understood. The second was how seeing the flowers brought out a different side of him. He hated the idea of a non-sentient being in him, and the thought of that being anywhere near sentient made it even worse. They would be the mental destruction of him, he just knew, and the hanahaki definitely didn't help.

Something started clogging his throat... again. It was happening again, oh not again. Roses and blood filled his mouth after he coughed, and although he managed to cover his mouth in time, he knew this time it would be bad. More often than not, it wasn't enough to fill his mouth, but he could tell this one was going to be terrible. Blood was gonna come out of his mouth, he could just feel that there wasn't enough room. Even though his sweatshirt was black, he couldn't help but feel paranoid as he wiped the stray blood from his face. Falling apart in his English class was the last thing he expected to do today, and he planned to keep it that way. Helplessly scrambling to stay looking normal wasn't something he expected to do, either, but here he was. His friend, Maria, looked at him for a split second and raised her hand, and at that moment he knew he was either doomed or forever in her debt.

“I’m not sure what's happening, but I think Laurens might explode if you don't let him go to the bathroom or something,” she calls loudly, waving her arm around until the teacher sighs and nods. Swallowing the petals, or at least trying to, John grabs his things, stands up, smiles gratefully at Maria, and almost runs out of the room until the teacher stops him.

"But, Mr. Laurens, if you aren't back by the time class ends, I expect you to still have your work done." Sometimes these sorts of things annoyed him, but he couldn't think past the panic enough to do anything but nod. Every person in the classroom was staring at him, but he still couldn't bring himself to care as he tried to put up a somewhat calm facade and escape the classroom.

There were much fewer people in the hallway than he expected, and he made it to the bathroom much easier than he thought. Only getting a few second glances from people in the hallway was simple, but hearing someone cough up flowers into the toilet was sure to get a few questionable looks.. at this point he didn't care.

Two minutes later, he came out of the bathroom stall looking half dead and less than physically stable. The mirror made him look deathly pale, his freckles standing out like someone drew them on with marker. He had even more noticeable bags under his eyes, and he shook like a leaf. They would obviously notice something was wrong if he went back now, and he already had his stuff, so what's the point of going back?

Something that he had never been afraid to do was skip class, and this wasn't an exception. It was only different because he couldnt leave a certain place, he wasn't free to roam wherever. Rose-red tinged his lips, the blood staining the skin. More often than not, this was barely noticeable, even though this had been his normal for a while now. Blood mixed with his spit so his mouth always looked a bit redder than what's considered healthy, but nobody seemed to notice yet. 

"Holy fuck, Laurens, are you okay?" His eyes go wide. Dammit, not here. I swear to God, not here. Laurens chokes out a laugh at the irony. The one with his life in his hands, asking if he's okay?

"I... I'm not sure." Saying he was fine would be a complete and utter lie, but explaining his situation would end up absolutely terrible.

"You look like you're about to keel over and die, whats up?" Alex took a step closer, and the stabbing pang in John's lungs seemed to get dangerously close to his heart.

"I might, not gonna lie," he says quietly, voice strained. 

"Huh? Whaddaya mean?" Even then, he tried to keep his composure. He leans against the wall and lets himself sit down. A cough shakes him to the core, and the shock of it didnt leave him enough time to cover his mouth, blood covered flower petals staining his jeans.

"Fuckin..... dammit?" He shakily picks up what looks like a root from the pile of petals, Alex still standing a couple feet away in complete shock. "I'm sorry you have to see this, it's my fault."

"I doubt it is, anyone would be pretty dumb to not like you." Alex clearly didn't understand the irony of his words.

"Thats rich coming from you," John mutters, examining the root more to see if this could actually be the end. He coughs again, noticeably feeling thorns scratching his throat.

Hope is a funny thing. It makes you feel like you can do everything, even if you can do nothing. It sparks the flame in your chest, no matter how drenched the candle is.

He had lost all hope until he felt the thorns.

Alex raises an eyebrow at the shocked look covering the other boy's sickly pale face. "Huh???" John holds out the bloody stem, not realizing how gross it probably was to the other.

"Do you know what this means?" Alex shakes his head, confusion and a little disgust coloring his features. "It's almost over, Alex. I....." His loss of words is replaced by a blood-covered grin that still managed to light up the room in Alex's perspective. Laurens gags again and coughs up more flowers, stem and all.

"Can you tell me who?"

"I mean.. there's only one person who'd actively be thinking about me at this current moment." Alex's face goes bright red.

"I.... I did this? Holy fucking shit I'm so damn sorry!"

"Like I said, it's my fault. I don't... you couldn't have down anything to stop it in the first place."

Alex sits next to John, thinking for a bit while the other had another cough attack. "If... if we are hypothetically a thing after, I assume I shouldn't get you red roses?"

Suddenly the color came back to Laurens's face, and a laugh managed to escape, followed by a cough, not followed by flowers. The blood still came, but he wasn't surprised by anything but the fact that the flowers were gone.

"I guess so.... thank you so damn much." He tightly hugged the other, who hugged back almost immediately, and the two boys sat there, hugging and covered in blood, for as long as they could stand it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you can't tell I got rushed at the end, but things happen  
> Also, did yall notice the pattern that went up until Alex ran into John?


End file.
